Refinding
by Wondering What Breakfast Is
Summary: It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. But how can it be better to love and keep losing? Lelouch/Shirley.


The second time he meets her, she has blue eyes.

Lelouch remembers much about her. She loved to swim, she liked having her own nickname for him that she didn't have to share, she preferred her hair in a ponytail, her handwriting was so girlish, but unmistakeable. But more than that, her eyes had always been green.

Green, like a rosebud in early spring. Green, like sea glass that had been shaped by the sea and sand. Green, like her favourite dress. His favourite dress.

"I'm sorry, sir, I really didn't mean to hit you like that! Here, let me help you!"

This girl is so flustered, so worried that knocking him over has seriously offended him, and with the way he looks at her, she has every right to believe it. She is a shock of red hair, and long legs, but when he looks into her eyes, he is betrayed. And he doesn't hide his feelings anymore- he doesn't have to. The poor girl helps him up as best as she can, worried that he'll hurt her, berate her, but instead, all Lelouch can muster is a soft "Thanks." Before she can apologise further, though, he walks away, the lump in his throat growing bigger with every step.

He seeks refuge in an alleyway, and there she is, the cat with so many lives. "That wasn't her, you know. Just a girl that looked like her. After all, she _is_ dead."

"I know that." Lelouch speaks so curtly, but his voice is laden with pain, like he's been stabbed yet again. This time, though, his pain is private.

His cat smiles and looks to the sky, her legs swinging as she sits atop a dumpster. "It happened to me, too. Mother kept coming back. She still does..." She sighs and looks to her partner, yellow eyes sharp as she offers her warning. "Don't try to find her. She'll find you. But it would be best if you didn't become friends with her."

Lelouch keeps his eyes locked with C.C., unmoving as the sun sets, an orange tint reaching their skin, their hair. It is minutes before either of them look away, and before he speaks again.

"I won't. People who are close to me only end up unhappy at the end."

C.C. smirks as the sun dips below the horizon. "Misery loves company, after all."

* * *

The fifth time he meets her, she's a mother.

He's still a boy, but she's a woman, dark hair pinned up atop her head (her eyes are green this time, _thank god_.), holding a child's hand as she strolls through the park, a man with light brown hair and lavender eyes walking with her, laughing at the jokes she makes, and the way their son seems to be so excited about the world.

She seems to be in love, thrilled with her life of easy domesticity, doing all the things she dreamt she would do with Lelouch. He can't hear her conversation- the sound of the fountain he's sitting on drowns out everything. The falling water is calming, though. It rushes through his ears in a way that prevents him from, at the very least, crying.

In his reverie, he doesn't notice the little boy run up to him, and sit next to him. It takes him a few moments before his visitor's presence is registered, and Lelouch can't help but smirk.

"Are you lost?"

It's a simple question, and the little boy smiles and shakes his head. "No, I'm just waiting for my mom and dad to catch up!"

Who knows, he could be waiting forever. His father didn't look like much of a runner. "Would you like me to stay with you?"

"Yeah! I'm Joseph! What's your name?"

Lelouch smiles softly, and laughs. "Lulu."

"Lulu? That's a funny name for a boy!" Joseph giggles, showing his missing teeth, and a pang of pain hits Lelouch in the heart.

"A friend of mine called me that. I'm very fond of the name."

The giggles have stopped, and shame washes over the young boy's face. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to..."

"It's fine. I think it's funny too."

And it's weird for Lelouch to even think of engaging with such a fragile creature, with a mind that isn't remotely close to being fully developed. Yet, he is taken by the innocence of the boy, and that bright smile of his. He can't stop himself, and for a few minutes, he allows himself to enjoy the presence of someone so close to being a living memory, laughing like he, too, was a young boy.

Being so touched by nostalgia, and the boy's honesty, Lelouch can't resist and asks a bold question: "Joseph, what are your parents like?"

Before the little boy can answer, his mother (his radiant, yet frazzled, mother) comes into view. "Joseph! Oh goodness..." The woman looks at Lelouch, and smiles so sweetly, so friendly, that he almost believes they've been friends for years.

"I'm so sorry, my son is getting to be the little rascal. He didn't bother you too much, did he?"

As she scoops up her son, Lelouch notes the lines around her eyes and mouth that she didn't get to earn the first time, the way her nails are done so elegantly, how her hair makes her eyes stand out so much more.

"No, no. He was perfectly fine. Kept me company."

"Oh! Well, that's good. Are you waiting for a date?"

He looks up into her eyes, and she's so earnest, so sweet, that he can't bear to disappoint her. But he doesn't want her to go away either. "I was, but I don't think she's coming."

Her smile falls, and she holds her son closer. "I'm so sorry. I've been stood up before, too." (_By me_, he thinks, even though he knows he's not who she's talking about.) "Let me buy you a coffee or something."

"What's this about buying coffee?"

The man from before- her husband- shows up, and Lelouch looks him over. He can barely believe who he's seeing, who he's hearing, when her voice brings him out of such terrible memories.

"Rolo, this young man was just stood up by a date... I thought we could treat him or something! And he did keep Joseph safe."

The two men look at each other, sizing each other up for a moment, before Rolo smiles, and puts his arm around his wife. "That doesn't sound like a bad idea! There's a shop up the way."

"Actually, it's later than I expected, so I should be heading home." He stands up, brushing off the front of his pants. "Thank you for the offer, but I must decline. It was a pleasure meeting you all. Rolo, Joseph, Shirley." And without another word, he walks away from them.

Behind him, he can hear Joseph calling for him, saying his goodbyes, and a feminine voice ask the softest question of "But how did he know my name?"

* * *

He never stops meeting her. He finds her in shops, trying on skirts that make her look like the princess she could've been. He runs into her when they're grocery shopping, and she's picking up brownie mix, because lord knows she can't cook. He sees her across the street, fiddling through her purse since she's lost her phone in the abyss yet again. He's met her in every city he's ever visited, finding her in places he wishes she wasn't in. She was blonde in Rome, her freckles were gone in Mumbai, she had dark skin and darker hair in Pendragon. In Buenos Aires, she was kissing a woman that looked suspiciously like one Miss Ashford, and on the _M.S. Clovis_, he found her dancing with a brunette boy in uniform. C.C. tries to make it easier, telling him that one day the memory of the woman she was will fade, but he knows otherwise. Shirley will never leave his mind, his heart. And C.C. knows that too.

He wants it all to go away. He can't bear to see all the opportunities he took from her. Every life of hers he discovers, he tries to avoid. He ruined one, he won't do it again. But each time, she spots him, and she talks to him. She never knows his name, but she smiles so kindly that he doesn't care. He's introduced himself a thousand times, becoming her friend in some lives, being nothing more than a passing face in others, and once, once... he thought they were in love.

On the nights his heart breaks the most, he remembers her parting words, her voice as she knew she was dying, the pool of blood that she faded away in, the tears he cried as he held her cold body. He knows that she wants to find him, but things will never be like they were before. Her smiles aren't meant for him. Her laugh can never be his. Her hands aren't his to hold, and her lips aren't his to kiss.

She cannot have what she wants because he doesn't deserve it.

* * *

He's lost count of how many times he's met her.

This time, though, she is just as she once was.

She's on the beach, with a group of people that look like friends he once had- of course that blonde girl is running the show, and of course that brunette boy is paying attention to her every word, even though he's so busy setting things up. Just as he expected, the blue-haired boy is cracking jokes with a tall blonde boy, the dark-haired girl with braids watching with awe, the girl with pink hair is taking endless photos, a redhead is nestled under a sun umbrella with a girl with long, wavy, brown hair, and a young man that has lavender eyes and a gentle smile. There's another girl there too, with rose coloured hair, and a laugh that breaks his heart... Yet, none of them are so important as Shirley.

He wants to run to her, to tell her how much he's missed her, how he cannot bear centuries- millennia- passing without telling her how much she meant to him. Before he can make a move, though, a hand grabs his shoulder. He doesn't need to turn around to know who it is.

"It's them. But without you. They've lived good lives without your presence. Are you sure you want to do this to yourself?"

C.C. is right. They've lived wonderfully without him, and it could keep going. He doesn't know how much has changed, but he knows that someone has to have taken his place. Nunnally must have a brother, Suzaku must have a best friend, Rivalz must have a partner in crime, Milly must have a confidante. And Shirley?

Shirley must be in love with someone else.

It bothers him, but why give C.C. the satisfaction of knowing that? (He's learned to hide his feelings again. He's had time to practice.) He stands there for a moment, trying to decide if he can just walk away from such a beautiful scene, one he's seen a million times before falling into a restless sleep. All of his ghosts are there, so blissful in each other's presence, and he can't take that away from them... With all the strength he can call forth, he turns away from them, looking at C.C. with an expression that merely masks his true pain. She doesn't say a word about it. The sand shifts under their feet as they walk away, leaving an old life behind, choosing to be alone together.

But they don't get too far.

"Hey! HEEEEEEEEEEY! Wait up!"

Both witch and demon turn around, and find a ginger girl running up to them, waving excitedly. For a split second Lelouch and C.C. glance to each other, both concerned for what may come. They were trying to avoid this, but their luck ran out the moment Zero's sword ran through the Emperor.

Lelouch scans over her, and does his best to suppress a smile. She is radiant, she is kind, she is everything he remembered. C.C. knows this as well, and she can't help but give him a knowing smile.

"Sorry! I didn't mean to scare you like that! But our beloved President over there made too many sandwiches-" She rolls her eyes, and Lelouch thinks of how much he missed her exasperation with Milly. (He doesn't miss his own, though.) "-and she wanted to know if you two would help us finish them off!"

From by the picnic basket, the blonde girl calls out to the trio, "Don't forget to tell him how cute you think he is!"

"MADAM PRESIDENT!"

Lelouch smiles, and chuckles slightly. "We would be honoured."

"Great!" She spins around and yells back to the president, "They said they'd join us!"

There's a thumbs up from Milly, and the ginger girl faces the pair once more. "By the way, I'm Shirley, over there is Milly, Suzaku, Rivalz, Gino, Nina, Anya, Kallen, Nunnally, Rolo, and Euphie! What are your names?"

"C.C." "Lelouch." For the first time in years, they've uttered their names as a pair, as they know they should. After all, they've been together for so long.

As odd as they are to her, Shirley doesn't comment on it, and only smiles. "It's a pleasure to meet you two. Now, come on, you have to meet everyone!"

When she takes his hand to bring him to her friends, he thinks of how natural it feels, and wonders if this is the time that they fall in love. As they all sit down together, making jokes, eating together, learning new things, and making plans for the next day, he stops being afraid of the future, enjoying being with the people he lost. It's like nothing ever changed- He's Lulu again, he's being thrust into his old role, he's happy to be among people he truly loved.

When the sun has set, and Shirley has waved goodbye, he can't help but feel his heart open just a little more, and he is excited for the next day with all of them, with her. Perhaps this is where they get it right.

He hopes it is.


End file.
